It’s November

I’m back.

September and October were two stressful months for me, as for almost all seniors I suppose. But now we’re in November, and November means Thanksgiving and then December and then Christmas.

I enjoy the holidays. I really like the homey, cozy feeling I get when the Christmas music starts playing over the radio and and the Christmas tree becomes a stakeout for the cats and decorations start coming out and snowfall is every other week (hopefully).

This’ll be short, I’m still a little stressed.

I’ve got a WashU interview tomorrow, wish me luck!

Quick Homecoming blog

Ah, the Homecoming dance. It’s a pretty cute tradition. A little awkward at times but cute nonetheless. The dress code isn’t as strict as prom, and if you’ve snatched a good DJ the night should be really fun.

I’m not going this year, because I’ve gone the past two years and deemed both pretty good memories (so I’ve decided to leave on a high note in case this year turned out to be a flop!) Instead, I spent the day today scribbling Psych notes, mulling over college applications, and mowing the lawn, garnering about ten thousand mosquito bites in the process. A darn good trade off, right? I still remember last year I didn’t even know which dress I was going to wear the day of.

I still remember my sophomore/junior Homecomings vividly. Sophomore year, the set-up was glorious- the big gym for dancing, small gym for chilling and chatting. The DJ was nice, too. Junior year, last year, the set-up was terrible- Everybody had to stay in the Commons, with no place to rest/re-hydrate/recuperate. BUT I had a cute date and he made the time worthwhile 🙂

So there you have it! My two Homecoming experiences. Wow, it’s getting really dark outside already. The doors open for the dance in fifteen minutes! To everybody who’s going, have fun! May the DJ be a better one than last year 😉

No smile for you

I think people think I’m mean.

Or… not a pleasant person to be around, I guess.

I don’t look mean, do I? I think I look harmless. The last person you’d expect to snap at anybody.

And yet here we are. I received the lovely compliment from somebody earlier that I was in fact “a hardass.” I’m not even that authoritative or stiff in my ways! I’m just… a little stubborn, is all.

For the past week or two I’ve been deviating from my usual smile and instead been wearing mostly a frown, a glare and a cloak of silence. When I do smile, it’s most likely either forced, fake, or awkward. The few things that can make me smile these days are my cats in the fisheye filter, memes, and a select group of people- if they say and do the right things. Picky, right.

Most of the time I give off the vibe that I’m always irritated, because I tend to come off as passive-aggressive. People annoy me, though. It’s a fact. These days anything, anybody, everything, and everybody can tick me off. No matter how small, I can find a reason to glare at you. My tone of voice isn’t exactly friendly at times, and I wouldn’t find it surprising if people thought I was just plain rude.

I’m hope I come off as intimidating instead of a pouty little girl, but who really knows. My bet’s on the latter, but really, I’d be delighted if it were the former. Really, I’d be dee-lighted. Yup. As if I could muster up any emotion besides anger and annoyance these days.

What am I doing to try and fix this?

Nothing, really. Sometimes I think it’s better for me to give off a don’t-f*ck-with-me vibe, because honestly, it feels good. I’m tired of being the happy, friendly girl all the time. I feel better when I’m the one giving you a dirty look, after all.

Bring back summer

Exactly as the title says.

I don’t technically mean bring back summer memories, because the summer of 2019 wasn’t really my year. But I do want the summer weather to come back. I’m talking 80/90 degree weather. Why I love weather so hot? I don’t know. But I do. Fall weather in August and sometimes September is fine. It’s not that chilly and the afternoons are warm. But past September onto October, that’s when things start getting chilly. And I don’t like chilly.

Don’t get me wrong, I love the rear end of the year. Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas are all lined up ready to go! Mentioning Halloween for a sec here, a new Spirit Halloween store set up shop near my house and I visited it two days ago. I loved it. There were so many cool costumes and the animatronics they had were splendidly spooky. Okay, I’ll admit, I was a little hesitant to step on the button for some, but that’s not my fault! I’m not too fond of having a giant sinister clown gaping in front of my face, okay?

But anyways, with fall and winter aside, I really do love summer (sorry spring, I hate you) and I wish it’d come back. This upcoming week is supposed to be pretty hot, in the mid-90’s, which is good! I like 🙂

Do you juul?

Don’t be stupid.

You know how damaging that can be, right?

Idiot…

I’ve always been baffled by topics like juuling or doing drugs. Those things, and more, clearly have a negative effect on your life. Teachers warn about it, parents warn about it, the news, peers. But still some people choose to go down that path and start, for example, juuling.

Why. WHY? So many people have reiterated to you that juuling is bad. Why are you still making a bad choice and buying yourself one? I know (hope…) that the majority of teenagers are probably still nicotine-free and don’t juul or do drugs. But for the others that do juul, I have one question:

Are you stupid?

Please. Don’t give me your cheap excuses. You did it to fit in. You were bored and wanted to try it out. You liked the flavors. You saw your friend doing it. Uh huh. I got it. Well, let me tell ya:

You can fit in (and stand out!) by studying hard and excelling in school, you can cure your boredom by taking up a healthy hobby (like jogging!), you can taste mango and watermelon and whatever else flavor there is by…….. eating the fruit, and you see your friends getting lung cancer in ten years, so you definitely want that too. Check, check, check and check!

I’m so fed up with you idiots, y’know?

I’m not sure how I feel about big companies like Juul and how they’re handling this nonsense with minors. I mean, part of me knows Juul is bad and the company should be scolded. They could make their products less easily-accessible, or not market it as such a tantalizing thing to own. But you have to remember that their products are meant for smokers trying to get off cigarettes. It’s not ENTIRELY Juul’s problem that millions of minors decided the skinny black stick would look good on them too. I also feel like I should almost… apologize to Juul? Say, “sorry, a bunch of my peers think they’re the same as smokers and now you have to clean up after their mess.”

“You keep warning that Juuls are only meant for smokers but nobody is getting the message.”

“Sorry we’re such an ignorant generation.”

“But we’re spending so much money on you, are your warnings really just to appease the public? Do you really care if we end up with black lungs and a nicotine addiction?”

[The public spokesperson for Juul has declined to comment.]

Overwhelm me, won’t you?

Is there something wrong with me?

I’ve been feeling overwhelmed for the past week or so. It’s due to many circumstances, but I’m sure it’s confusing to others to witness. One minute I can be happy and smiling and the next I’ll be trying not to cry. My emotions can be flipped with a switch, at this point. I mostly start out the morning happy, but if one thing doesn’t go my way my happiness drops like a ball in my stomach and triggers some negative emotion to rise.

I’m hurting those around me. I’ve had several instances where friends have come running up to me to greet me, but I blow them off because I was already close to tears or I felt mad at the world. More often, however, I simply get overwhelmed with the amount of care and empathy they push onto me that I tear up at that. Other times I’ve been inconsiderate to others. I run up to them and try to talk when they’re rushing to get somewhere, or they aren’t in the best mood and I don’t notice it until I’ve said the wrong thing. As careful and considerate as I am, I still mess up, and each time I do I feel a little worse. Everybody’s forgiven me for my mistakes, but I can’t seem to let them go.

Everybody is nice to me, but sometimes I wonder if it’s a facade. I’ve had at least three teachers pass me in the halls, and no friendly exchanges were made even though I’ve had that teacher in the past and they know who I am. I want so desperately to speak up, to tell them hello, how are you? or just to remind them of my presence so that they know I’m not being rude. But I can’t. I’m afraid they wouldn’t smile back at me, or the timing is bad, and so on. Having them walk right past me without piping either just makes my confidence plummet lower.

I know what’s unlikable about me. I can be too quiet. Too reserved. Not outgoing enough, and not as willing to open up to people as they wish. Emotionless. A friend told me to “look more alive” a few days ago. On the flip side, sometimes when I’m upset I try to put on a bitter expression so that I’m glaring at people and I can hide my true emotions. And who likes to be glared at?

But I can be cheerful, outgoing and lively, too. I try. But my efforts aren’t enough, I think. I’m too nervous, too shy to really let loose around most people.

I’m currently riding my emotions, but I have to say, I hate riding roller coasters. I hope I can get off the ride soon…

First day of school

I can’t say I hated it and I can’t say I loved it.

Alright, this is just going to be a quick post, because I’m stressed, tired, and grumpy. So here we go.

I spent the morning pacer-walking around the halls solidifying the room numbers in my brain, and I got all sweaty and warm before I even did anything remotely academic. Literally, I got so sweaty that I had to roll up my SHORT SLEEVED SHIRT and when I looked at my back (which had been pressed against my backpack) a huge patch was dark, so, sweat. When I tell you I panicked, I pANICKED. Luckily I was in the way back in my first hour so I could air myself out, but wowee, I hated this morning.

Classes aren’t so bad. I know people in most of them, but that just means I’ll get judged in every single one of those classes.

Tennis after school was terrible. The weather was humid because it rained this morning, and I felt really bad out in the sun. I forgot my water in my locker, along with my lunchbag and two textbooks, so after tennis I had to troop ALL the way from the courts (which are past the track and down a hill beyond the road) to my locker on the second floor in the school. I really felt like I should’ve just quit.

I’m just really stressed. Spanish IV has got me worried on the first day, so yay. I feel like a loser, honestly.

I want my old classes back 😦